The Archbishop of Canterbury is the operational head of the Church of England and de facto spiritual leader of the worldwide Anglican Communion, known here as the Episcopalian Church. Invented purely because Henry VIII was horny. Never come between a man and his new booty when he is also head of a nation. Just ask Nicolas Sarkozy, president of those randy French.

The present Archbishop, Dr. Rowan Williams, recently commented that aspects of Sharia (basically Islamic law) should be given legal standing with English law. This subsequently managed to piss off, well, everyone. Condemnation has poured in from across the entire political spectrum. From crazy knee-jerk xenophobes who railed against accommodating Islam in Britain’s Christian heritage to those frightened about the limiting of women’s rights, no-one seems to be happy with the Archbishop’s thinking. There have been calls for him to resign.

I, too, disagree. But not because of the vicious reasons that people have been, rather disconcertingly, espousing over the last week.

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All this talk of accents led to me keenly analyse what it is that makes accents rule, exactly.

In that light, join me in a thought experiment.

Girls (and guys) imagine a tall, tanned man with aquiline features. Lean, winning smile, the works. Let’s give him an Italian accent and call him… Antonio. Swoon-worthy, n’est-ce pas? If the physical features didn’t do it for you, that accent should certainly tip you over the edge.

Now let’s make him short and fat. His smile isn’t so winning, his face not so tanned. But he retains both his name and his delightful accent. Put beside him an identical-looking short and fat man. He could be Antonio’s twin. Except this man is not called Antonio. He is an American, and he is called Trent. Trent is from Dayton, Ohio and does not sound particularly special.

Now ladies, and some of you gentlemen, if you had to pick only one of these two rotund and vertically challenged men, which one would it be?

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