Today’s nostalgic account of the trial beginning for the “screwdriver bandit” of yesteryear really tickled my insides. Remember when we used to joke about the ridiculous shit West Philly criminals pulled? Now, there can be no lighthearted jokes — rape and GSW’s are just not that funny.

In light of the fact that the early action pool of applicants has dropped 1.5% this year, Penn really needs to create some positive press. “Junior Indicted in Hacking Scheme”? Try again.

If the University won’t do something drastic, the responsibility inevitably falls on the shoulders of its students. Call me trite, but if we care about our university, we must be a part of the solution to its declining appeal to incoming students — if at least to protect our $150,000 investment here. My suggestion: march on Gutmann’s house and demand that one day’s worth (2 million dollars) of the Capital Campaign funds be dedicated to buying out Club Wizzards.

Let’s get creative here. Instead of sitting back and complaining about the state of affairs, let’s take action — the more ridiculous the better. That way we can be sure to gain a spot on the 10 o’clock news, instead of the panty thieves, hackers and rapists. Who’s with me?

I’m not the only one who got this e-mail celebrating Penn’s fundraising kickoff, and I felt it needed to be decoded from administration-speak:

“Dear Donors,

Tonight, thousands of you — big-time donors, donors, future donors, and more donors — joined with me to launch Penn’s first of many fundraising campaigns in nearly two decades. Making History: The Campaign for Penn has an ambitious goal of $3.5 billion, and we’ve only raised $1.6 billion. Let’s pick up the slack.

We celebrated the beginning of a five-year endeavor that will require the slave-like devotion of our entire community. I promise you this: When we achieve our goal in 2012, our bank account will be overflowing!

A great campaign, however, is not just a goal to achieve or a distinction to reach; it is also a journey that strengthens the bonds of our fellowship while deepening our devotion to a great cause. So ask the people of Philadelphia for money, too. It’s called Penn Connects.

I encourage you to take a moment now to visit our campaign website and make a donation. No, really, now. I’m watching you.

It is time to be making history. And now it is time for my manicure! Toodles…

<3,

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