A few days ago, when I returned from the week-that-feels-like-24-hours known as Spring Break, I expected to be welcomed back with kindness by this university. After all, temperatures are rising, fewer Philadelphians are being murdered and this city is the political place to be right now — so my RA and GA should at very least be in a good mood, right?

Wrong. For them, this week starts the inevitable month-long countdown to Spring Fling, when students tend to drink too much in the midst of “rocking out” to acts like Ludacris and Gym Class Heroes. (I never thought I’d say this, but why did Limp Bizkit have to be a joke?)

So instead of a warm welcome after break, I was greeted almost immediately by a light blue, caps-lock-friendly flier with the following header:

Riepe College House PENALTIES FOR ALCOHOL VIOLATIONS

The sheet goes on to list various punishments for drinking, from “community service” (’cause frequent boozers are great with kids) to “4 hours of alcohol education” (bartending class?!) to the incredibly vague “police action.” Needless to say, I was scared.
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