The University has announced that Michael Bloomberg, the mayor of New York (as if our NYC inferiority complex wasn’t apparent enough) will be the 2008 commencement speaker. Considering that Jodie Foster spoke two years ago, this is very good news.

But not so fast.

This the same Michael Bloomberg who, despite numerous reports and signs to the contrary, has consistently denied that he will be running for President as an independent candidate. Could we get stood up?

Much like the nationwide speaking tour that fanned the flames of his rumored White House aspirations, Bloomberg has begun speaking around Penn’s campus. In his first scheduled stop, he addressed several hot-button issues, “The dining hall employees are bitches. The high-rise elevators are too slow. Most importantly, there are tremendous sexual inequities, with Wharton and Engineering students getting figuratively, not literally, screwed.”

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It’s not every day you see those sweatpants traded in for tailored suits and shoulder pads.

Last week, as I watched students march down Walnut in appropriate business attire, I wondered how soon they (you?) would be making more money than our fine new mayor.

How much does Nutter make? That’s public information: $186,044.

Depending on who you are, you might be wowed or seriously underwhelmed by that number. But if I may offer the moderately knowledgeable opinion of a Regular Working Person: that is a relatively measly sum for someone with what is — almost inarguably — one of the most difficult jobs in the county.

The catch, of course, is that salaries are in no way decided by how hard a job is — assuming such a thing can even be measured. (Imagine: seventh grade teachers and coal miners would be buying homes in Greenwich and summering in Tuscany.)

Of course there’s nothing easy about the 80-hour weeks recent grads put in at i-banks. But — upon graduation — Wharton undergraduates command an average starting salary of $108,509 (that’s base salary + signing bonus + annual bonus). 100 grand!

Pardon me while I peel my jaw up off the floor.

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Dear Penn Community,

As your Supreme Commander and new member of mayor-elect Michael Nutter’s transition team, I wanted to explain how Penn will contribute to this new administration. This list is not exhaustive. But it should give you a feel about who will be representing Penn in Nutter’s administration in the coming years.

Chairman of the ‘Philicon’ Valley Commission — Ryan Goldstein

Don’t think Philadelphia’s got the goods to be the next high-tech hot spot? Then you haven’t met Ryan Goldstein! Only a junior at Penn and already forging global computing cooperation, reaching out to the internet’s best and brightest, and still passing “Ethics and Social Responsibility for Engineers.” He will make AKILL-er appointment.

Deputy Mayor of “Safety” Initiatives — Rafael Robb

If I could describe this former economics professor in one word, it would be “honest“. With “hardly” a blemish to his name, he’s got the best plan to lead this city to “security.” Toe the line “Killadelphia,” or you might get Robb-ed!

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