Hideous but universally loved mascot Phillie Phanatic has gone through some rough patches over his career. There was the Tommy Lasorda assault in 1988. Then the Phanatic literally lost his head in 2004. But now, as Philadelphia Will Do reports, the Phillies’ mascot has reached a new low.

That’s right, it’s Phunky Phanatic Phriday on CBS 3!

Warning: watching this video will instantly transport you to the worst parts of the early nineties.

Bad news, Phillies fans.

Curt Schilling announced today that he is signing a one-year contract with the Boston Red Sox, with a base salary of $8 million and incentives up to $14 million. You won’t see ol’ Curt in red pinstripes again.

One of the incentives stuck out to me. Schilling can earn two million dollars in “weight incentives.” Yeah, that means what you think it means. If Schilling maintains a certain weight through the season, the money is his – about $4 for every minute he isn’t fat.

As ridiculous as it sounds, it makes sense that Schilling would be worth more when he’s in shape than when he’s, shall we say, round. All organizations have a vested interest in the health of their employees. Penn might even do well to follow Boston’s example.

Raising $3.5 billion is no easy task, and Penn president Amy Gutmann has few pounds to spare. I know her contract was just extended, but the Trustees might want to consider offering some weight incentives of their own. We want Dr. Gutmann to be healthy, for her sake and for the sake of the capital campaign.

If I can’t have all-time favorite Phillie back in town, it would at least be good to know things are in good shape with my school.