My experience in the Florida wetlands was anything but damp. It, being spring break, was actually quite dry — boozing wasn’t allowed.

Yes, it was an odd way to spend a vacation: sleeping in bunk beds, sharing a co-ed bathroom with seven others, and eating breakfast before the sun rose. Prison and Alternative Spring Break are the only institutions that could legally force such deprivations. I was captive in the latter.

I’m not really sure why I paid to volunteer. Picking up trash, carrying heavy fences, and painting Park Rangers’ houses was far from glamorous. But whatever, I’m glad that I went, because when I returned to Philadelphia, I felt fab. (And it wasn’t because I’m a community service whore like many ASBers. I don’t get off on giving. Like most people, I get off on getting.)

I just felt accomplished to have just spent an entire week with a group of my peers without the presence of illicit substances. We actually hung out — co-ed bonding, omg — and didn’t drink, smoke, do coke, or hook up for seven entire days. (God created Earth in seven days.) That doesn’t happen very often, especially at Penn. (I’m referring to sober boys and girls, not the story of creation.)

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Spring Break is just around the corner, and that means students have one thing on the mind: sex. At the University of Iowa, for example, sex classes are filling up like crazy. And here at Penn, this Thursday is yet another installment of Sex Camp on the Quad. (Also the unwritten theme of all my childhood Boy Scout retreats.)

But this season’s biggest sex star is John McCain, the 120-year-old presidential candidate who carried on an alleged affair with a lobbyist more than thirty years his junior. In that light, I’ve decided to ask Larry Craig — Idaho’s Republican sex scandal expert — for a few political sex tips, just to keep things fresh this spring. Below are some of his secrets (or at least what I’d expect him to say).

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